nakedjen

He Was Kind To Her

He was not a violent man.  In fact, there was absolutely nothing abusive about him.  He was kind to her.  Showered her with affection.  Allowed her to trust men.  Again.

Then he was gone.  Not even a pause for a goodbye. She’s eating books from frustration, sadness, to fill the missing of him.  The misunderstanding of abandonment and loss.  

It is impossible to explain to a dog that relationships some times just end. I can not tell her that it isn’t a matter of being better behaved or different.  Of not licking his face or sitting in his lap. Stella is a dog, so it is not even within the realms of possibility to have her comprehend that The Outlaw’s disappearance from our lives was a mutual decision. For her, he's just vanished.  Poof!

She was not abandoned.  I am choosing this, he is choosing this.

Still, Stella truly loved him and enjoyed his company.  Perhaps even more than I.  Will a web of sadness weave around and squeeze our hearts if we let him in again?  What if we do not? How do we ever really know, if we don’t say yes?

The Light Always Returns

  In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Camus

Sometimes I have to just trust that if I don’t write something intelligent and witty and thoughtful on my blog for a few days, even for many days, perhaps for lengthy periods of time, that all of my readers will not abandon me and will not think that I am a rotten human being.  Who can not write anything of interest at all.

You’ve noticed, no doubt, that my intentions to participate in the Best of 09 daily blog postings started out well, but then faltered.  Best laid plans of mine often do falter.   I’ll go to all kinds of trouble and gymnastics to put the dogs crates back together and in a warm spot in the house so I can truly “crate” them and keep a certain Stella someone from choosing my favorite books to read and eat while I’m at the office on certain days of the week and then, because Buddha can make a person feel guilty just with the lift on one eyebrow, I’ll rush off to the movies with Emily Gilmore and not crate the dogs explaining to them that I know they know they should be in their crates and that Stella really does understand that this means she is not to read and eat any books while I’m gone only to return to just the tiniest bits and pieces of the spine and edges of pages of what was once a signed first edition of Jitterbug Perfume.

There’s a lesson there. I know it.  I’m supposed to learn it. I’m trying to discern the meaning in eloquent words and metaphors digested into dog poop. I really am. If Mr. Robbins were truly available to me, I'd ask him to write me something witty to cheer me up.  I know that he not only could, but that he would.  He actually would probably find great humour (yes with the u) in the fact that Stella is systematically eating her way through my library of signed first editions of his novels.   No doubt, he would at least be amused by her preference for his literature over the works of Sam Shepard.

This is my life. The life I share with my dogs. The life of good intentions that never get written about on my blog because I’m far too upset about the fact that Tom Robbins' eloquent and special inscription to me about eating my beets is now just dog poop on my lawn.

Thing is, I haven’t been too busy to write.  I actually never want to be in a place where my life is filled with busy. Busy just isolates me.  It just allows me to shut everyone else out.  It just closes doors and removes opportunity. That is not living.  That is filling time.  I had that life, that life of filled time and no time for living.  It nearly killed me, as I forgot how to breathe and how to love and how to do a whole host of other really important things that are required to truly live your life.  I never want to be busy again. 

No, I’m not too busy.  

I am still.  I am listening to my heart.  I am aching for the rhythms that guide my soul.  The whispers are faint, but I am hearing them. 

As the light is about to return to all of us in this hemisphere, so will my own inner strength.  It is these last few days when the days are their shortest that are always hardest for me.  The light always returns.  My light never really goes away. I just go still, go quiet, find my true center, and then like the firefly, I light up, I burn with the love of a thousand hearts and I glow.

The Blessings of Yes

We give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. ~Author Unknown

Amy Goodman, of the War and Peace Report, was broadcasting live from inside the Bella Center in Copenhagen.  She was present at the Climate Summit and she was interviewing just one of the myriad of protesters who had gathered there in support of our precious environment. 

I listened to these two passionate women talk and I thought to myself, “I am not doing enough.  I should be there.  Why am I not there standing in solidarity?  I should be there, not here.  I am not doing enough.”

Just the day before, while sitting in my cubicle at the hospital, I overheard a co-worker lamenting that she needed a new car battery.   Right away.   The bigger problem was that she didn’t really have the funds for a new car battery and to purchase one would put Christmas in jeopardy for her two sons.  She is an amazing single mom who lives in a location where her car is a necessity and this hospital job is the only support she has for her family.  The battery was going to cost her $90, which we all know in the grand scheme of things is not a lot of money.  But for her, it was a huge chunk of change. 

She was not in the holiday spirit.  Not at all.

I was tempted to just hand her the money for this new battery, but I also knew that she probably wouldn’t accept it.  We’re co-workers.  It would be awkward.  She also knows that I just had to pay my big fat MRI bill and that pretty much depleted my savings. 

I did what I know how to do best.  I asked.  I used Twitter and put out a simple request. 

#SLC single mom with kids needs a new car battery.let's all show her some love! please? contact me for details. let her know it's Christmas.

Within seconds, folks in this community came through with the $90 for her battery.  But by the end of the day?  I had $200 for this total stranger.  All because I asked. 

It could not have happened at a better moment.  Her car battery exploded later that night and that money was a huge blessing for her and for her boys. 

I know that I often write about how I don’t participate in the Feast of the Cash Register and that I don’t celebrate Christmas.  That is true.  However, I do believe in Santa Claus.  For me, Santa represents the magic in all of us, the belief that we can all make everyone’s life just a little bit better if we say yes to the opportunities presented to us.

I could have ignored my co-worker last week.  I could have shrugged my shoulders and said, “Wow, too bad, I hope it all works out.”  Any one of us could have easily done that.  It was such a small thing, really, just to ask.  We’re all, every single day, presented with opportunities to be Santa and to make a significant difference in the lives of others.  Not just during the holiday season.  Every single day. 

It could be as simple as truly making eye contact and smiling at another person as you pass them on the sidewalk.  Maybe you hand your leftovers from your dinner out to the homeless guy who is begging in the median strip as you wait for the traffic light.  Perhaps you grab that extra dollar bill in your pocket and give it to the busker at the train station.  Or maybe you ask your community to help buy a single mom a new battery for her car.

All it takes, honestly, is just keeping your heart open to the opportunities and to say “yes” when they’re presented.  Saying yes makes things happen for everyone.  It’s a beautiful chain reaction.  The blessings of yes are just endless.

I had a lot of beautiful souls join me in saying yes last week.  I don’t necessarily need to be standing in Copenhagen to make a difference.  I truly can make a difference.  Every single day.  Right where I am.

Give A Dog A Home

One thing that I am absolutely certain about the readers of this blog is that you love dogs.  Some of you possibly love dogs even more than I do.  It is hard for me to imagine how that is even possible, but I feel quite strongly that living and breathing among the readers of Nakedjen are those whose hearts beat only for our canine companions.  Who will do, quite literally, anything for their own canine companion and just about anything for any other dog, as well.  I know I just described myself. 

This isn't a contest, actually.  We just love our dogs.  Period.  And how lucky are we to be loved so unconditionally and completely in return?  We only hope to be as lovely as our dogs believe that we are.

There are a myriad of dogs that always need our help.  Always.  Right now, though, there are two specific dogs who very much are in need of a kind and loving forever home. 

Meet Molly:

 

and now meet Mo:

 

The good life for these two dogs came to a rather tragic end when their owner passed away just before Thanksgiving.  Of course, it's not like they ended up wandering the streets scrounging for food.

Remember Jeni?  Of the tomatoes?  These dogs were her father's beloved pets.  He lived in the country in Arkansas and Jeni was worried that even though she had someone to go and care for the dogs at his property that they would be hurt or worse and so she has been caring for them at her own home in Memphis.  But, unfortunately, she can not continue to care for them.  As much as she loves dogs, her life just doesn't really allow for the care and feeding of two dogs right now. 

I know the power of this blog.  I know that we can find these dogs amazing, loving, perfect homes.  Yes, they are pit bulls.  Jeni assures me they are non-aggressive, very loving, adorable sweet babies.  She was raised with pit bulls and understands their misunderstood and bad reputation.  I'll say this again:  There are no bad dogs, or bad breeds, just very irresponsible and bad dog owners. 

These dogs are a "couple" and Jeni hates to see them separated, but they can be if necessary.  They come with kennels, treats, toys, bowls, blankets, kongs, training collars and thick leashes.  They were scheduled to be neutered on Tuesday, but Molly just went into heat, so that procedure needs to wait.  However, it can happen.  I'm willing to help make sure that it does.  They are current on all other vaccinations and their heart worm preventive, too.

I'm absolutely willing to help with transportation costs for these two dogs.  If you are willing to provide them with a good forever home.  I can also get you a discount on dog food.  As we know, feeding dogs is expensive.  Of course, Buddha and Stella are champion eaters of Honest Kitchen dog food, but if you'd rather feed the dogs kibble, I can assist with that, too.

A dog is a huge responsibility.  We all know this.  Our hearts are forever changed by the love of a dog.  Molly and Mo want to love you.  All they need is for you to say yes.

You can contact me via my email address if you'd like to give a home to Molly and/or Mo.  They're in Tennessee right now, but they're ready to go on their grand adventure to a new home.  Will it be yours?

It's My Life

December 10 Album of the year. What's rocking your world?

I am a girl that is all about the music.  I think we've established that pretty carefully here.  I am also a woman who thinks often about the soundtrack not only for my life, but, you know, for the film that someone some where is going to obviously make about me.  Yes, I am that vain.  I admit it.  It isn't a constant obsession, because goodness knows if it was I wouldn't be getting anything else done, but I am thinking about that bio-pic or about that documentary and which songs just MUST be included.

Now, if we were to have a soundtrack just for the past year?  Just for 2009.  The soundtrack that will be playing while you're watching scenes of me wandering the house naked with the dogs as my only companions and cooking dinner for my friends? The music filling the air with a shot of my hands black with dirt as I'm pulling amazing red beets from the earth or mixing Dreamsweet teas in my studio?  The tunes blaring from the speakers in my car while I'm driving to the farmers market on Saturday mornings to hug my farmers?  Or from the headphones while I'm sitting at my desk at work? The songs floating in the air while I wander down the beach in Santa Cruz? 

The primary soundtrack, the primary sounds would come from The Weepies and from their album, Say I am You.  I know that Happiness is more recent.  I have it, too.  All the music of the Weepies are in rotation at my house.  All the time.  As is the music of so many other artists that if you were part of that life I just described, that naked life, part of that documentary bio-pic, you'd think yourself schizophrenic trying to sort out the proper soundtrack.

So we'll leave that to the professionals.  They are people who have enough drugs at their disposal and cash from the Mafia to be up to the task.  In the meanwhile, since you asked, Album of the Year for Nakedjen in 2009?  Say I am You from the Weepies from 2006.  Because, as usual, I'm always a tad late to every party.  Especially the ones about my own life.

And Then You Blossom

December 9 Challenge. Something that really made you grow this year. That made you go to your edge and then some. What made it the best challenge of the year for you? 

We all have challenging lives, don't we?  I think that we do.  I try to always remember that I walk only in my shoes, that my life's experience is only my own, that there's no way I'll ever truly comprehend how another person has walked on this earth as all our experiences are always uniquely our own. 

My own life this year has been one where I have truly made a large effort to show up in important ways. To take care of me first.  To admit that I am worth it. It is easy for me to ignore my own needs and my own drama by jumping in and participating in all the needs and drama that swirls around me. 

This year, I really wanted to be my own project.  Starting in January, just after my birthday, I knew that I was in a bit of psychic and bi-polar trouble and if I didn't address it the spiral downward was going to only take me to places both familiar and dark, but places where a bright and shiny soul does not flourish. 

I found a really good therapist.  I committed to me by reviving my yoga practice.  I reduced my stress around money by getting rid of all my credit cards, living a cash-only life and deciding that 2009 would be the year of "nothing new".  This wasn't a punishment so much as a realignment for my own relationship with the consumer inside of me.  I am a woman who sometimes shops just to shop, to fill an empty space, and then ends up with things I do not need.  My year of nothing new was truly an exercise for me in re-educating myself in the very real difference between want and need and the very real value in the gifts that I receive and the things I already own.

Beyond this, I re-organized my work life so that I am supported, but only working at the hospital part-time.  I embraced Utah, I worked to make peace with my family, I made sure to say Yes far more than No to the invitations from friends when they were offered.  Saying yes has become one of the greatest gifts of all. 

By saying yes to me, I am able to live a vibrant and healthy and grounded life that is balanced. There is so much vibrant joy for me in the spaces I have created to truly just breathe.

Between the Dawn and the Dark of Night

December 8 Moment of peace. An hour or a day or a week of solitude. What was the quality of your breath? The state of your mind? How did you get there?

There are days when my breath freezes right in front of my face and then smacks me in cold ice crystals.  I’m certain this is happening to remind me to be awake and present.  There are other days when the sound of the leaves crunching under my feet is so loud I’m quite certain we’re waking the entire city as we march through the streets.  Still on other mornings, the pink sky above the mountain range, the crescent moon just there, the branches of the trees in stark silhouette make everything feel as if we’re literally dancing across a painted canvas that was created by some special god in that very moment for us alone. 

I run with my dogs every morning at 5:00 a.m.  It is our ritual.  We will not give it up.  No matter what the temperature.  They need it as much as I need it.  For ninety minutes, this salty city is ours alone to embrace, to love, and to remind us that we are, truly, alive.

I'm Going To Call RR

I talk a lot about Sundance.  We all know this.  We also know that I'm a naked girl who truly knows how to festival.  Trust me, there is an art to it.  I'm a girl that has it down to a science and could probably teach a course called "How to Festival" at any university in the country.  If, you know, a university was truly interested in such a course.  Perhaps for their continued learning program, maybe?  It's a thought. 

Someone should be teaching this course to Emily Gilmore.  To wit, the following conversation between Emily and myself that happened just today.

Emily: help - now that i am going East I will not be here for the days the LOCALS get to purchase tickets - NOW what?

Nakedjen: you.are.screwed.  you should have thought of this before you booked!

Emily: does this mean i get NO MOVIES????? or can i buy the day of????  why do you make this sound so difficult?  Outrageous - I'm going to call RR

Nakedjen: I think what you might want to consider is having Beth take your spot and purchase the tickets for you.

Emily:  No, Beth can't do it.  I have to show PROOF OF IDENTITY and practically give my own fingerprints in order to buy these tickets.  They won't let her do it for me.  I will just go to the Beehive Tea house instead.

Nakedjen: I love how you refer to Robert Redford as RR.  Like he's your very best friend?

Emily: I knew you'd know exactly whom I was talking about!  Anyway, can't I just get tickets the day of the show?

Nakedjen:  You can go to the box office any morning and say, "What's available today...and they will tell you.  But you may not be able to see the movies you WANT to see if you do it that way."

Emily: How do I even know what I want to see?  This is all a practice in experimental theatre for me.  I don't have 70 films picked out that I must see.  Who does that anyway?  I can't plan my life like that!  I just want to see some movies. Why did you make this so difficult?

Nakedjen:  Why is this my fault?

Emily:  You worked there!  Certainly you created these silly ticket policies and procedures.

Nakedjen: No, mom, this isn't my doing.  I just know how to navigate the madness.  How to put it all together.  How to make sure you get to see all the best films and truly have the best festival.

Emily: Well, I'll just call Robert and ask him to send me some tickets for the movies he thinks I might like to see.  That will take care of it.

Nakedjen: Okay, Mom.  You call Robert.  I'm sure that will work out just fine for you.

Emily: Oh, it really will.  I'll do it tomorrow morning.  Thanks for calling.  RR will take care of everything.

(And we all wonder why I'm just a touch dramatic? This is the woman who raised me!)

What's With The Penguins?

December 7 Blog find of the year. That gem of a blog you can't believe you didn't know about until this year. 

Without a doubt, (and I can’t believe I’m admitting this because this blog and writer has probably been on EVERYONE ELSE’s blog roll since the inception of the medium and probably even before that!) it has to be Mimi Smartypants.  A pox on the rest of you for never sharing the secret.  Pfft.

Just A Woman Who Blogs

December 6 Workshop or conference. Was there a conference or workshop you attended that was especially beneficial? Where was it? What did you learn?

I went, I blogged, I twitted, I hugged, I laughed, I cried, I got naked, and I found 100 new blogs.  That was my goal.  100 new blogs by writers I found interesting because they were just as passionate about their own subjects as I am about mine. I wanted to up the ante on my Google Blog Reader (I actually now follow over 1,000) and truly start to show up and participate beyond my cozy corner of the blogosphere.  

Blogher was like no other conference I’ve ever attended before (and as a refugee from the Silicon Valley start-up madness, I've attended lots of tech conferences) and I’m grateful that I managed to actually show up this year.  I learned I really am a woman who blogs. I think that, for me, that was the most important lesson of all.